"Ellen!"

I'm laughing!

Randy Jackson to Ellen (on the topic of Simon Cowell and what it will take to find him a good date, and this is a rough paraphrase):

Randy: " . . . his social skills, they need some work . . ."

Simon?

Nawwwww. Ya think? I can't imagine why ANYONE would think Simon Cowell's social skills could need a little work!

[Garnes bursts into hysterical laughter at this very profound insight]

Can you IMAGINE being a blind date for Simon Cowell? Not me. I'd rather be a celibate sea cow for all eternity! Imagine this scenario:

Simon: "Um, oh, God, what were you thinking? That dress is the wrong color, and it makes your butt look big, you have bad hair, and your nail polish is chipped, and besides that, you have a nasal laugh. You are UTTERLY DISGUSTING!"

Date: [Who, I imagine, would stand there speechless while shriveling up inside, dying a slow death (as the countless "American Idol" victims have in episodes past), or she'd pull out a .38 Special and fire wildly at his mid-section]. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Disclaimer: This writer has no intentions of shooting Simon Cowell, or his effigy, nor even has thought much about him until this one episode of "Ellen." I have not, ever, watched a complete episode of "American Idol", and in order to fathom a possible Simonism, I had to ask my teenage daughter what one single comment would he likely make in such an imaginary situation, for surely, who WOULD want to date that man? Her sole contribution to this post was, "He'd say "utterly disgusting. He says 'utterly' - a lot."

No Simon's (of any sort) were hurt emotionally, physically, financially, or otherwise during the composition of this entry.